I was so suprised how she talked about me to her friends and family..and when I confronted her I had the evidence. How I interpret she feels: she let slip in a drunken night that youre bi, she enjoys your sex life and when her friends made you the butt of the joke and were being judgmental about it, she felt ashamed, and in true weak fashion chose to join in vs stand up for you and herself. Be honest anyway. There are plenty things I could talk about my girlfriend and make fun of her for it to my mates, but I dont because what happens between us stays between us. Mom and boy 22:56. I also really dont like how shes the one who initiates/etc yet was making fun of it?? Youre delusional. Itd be a dealbreaker for me. Anyone that believes stay for the kids has literally never had any experience as a kid whos parents stayed for them. First of all, I don't trust your wife. This is NOT on her timeline anymore. You deserve so much better than this. The fact that her mindset even thinks doing things like anal play are bi tells me she probably has some internalized homophobia she needs to deal with. My identity was something I held tight to my chest for years. As a not entirely straight guy myself I would be pretty mortified to go through this. One day he throws a temper tantrum, and instead of talking with me about his insecurities, he goes off and tells everyone about it. What you say too each other is one thing but to the outside world your SO is the best cook lover protector whatever. You need to learn how to deal with being outed and your stupid wife needs to understand the true ramifications for you. Perhaps individual first because youll have to process your own feelings before trying to work through things together. Couples counseling could work but it may also not be necessary, you two could work on it together. Take care of yourself, you have the right to take more time if you need it. Seems like part of the issue here is how ashamed you are of your own sexuality. Are those things outweighed by her indiscrete talking (and her judgemental friends). Why should he have to tell the whole world his sexuality? It very much is and if you let them gaslight you and suppress how you actually feel, you will feel a huge burden and trust issues for the rest of your life. Seems to me that because of her indifference to your feelings, she needs to get rid of those friends because she emasculated you in front of them. Im a bisexual guy, I like guys strictly sexually. Is she going to listen to her friends claim that you being bi has somehow swayed them? I know that your * secret life * is very personal to you, but not many people will be concerned or even bothered about your sexuality. And also, alcohol intake needs to be curtailed. IN YOUR HOME. If she had doubled down and defended herself and her friends, then that would be a break up situation imo. Best of luck. Shes married to a bi man, and her idiot friends shouldnt have the power to make her feel bad about it. Divorce is an option if you cant get past this but it deserves an effort. I have one person I talk to sometimes about my gf. Second communicate. Can you trust a person like that after all this? They all laugh. It was over something dumb, but she's fucking nuts and didn't want me to date anybody. Your wife definitely violated your trust by sharing that information with her friends. She sounds sorry and your marriage is great, so maybe dont listen too carefully to all the people telling you to get a divorce. Im so sorry this happened. Tuesday night we hosted a small gathering (all vaxxed) with some of our couple friends. Birds of a feather flock together. I think that sometimes both men and women have a form of locker room talk with their friends about topics that maybe they arent entirely truthful about with their friends in order to make them feel better. Sorry you had to deal with this man, your wife sucks. I never said a word to anyone because I knew how bad she felt about that. I am not straight, nor am I gay. That's plain shitty. Only point I wanted to make: it doesnt have to be one or the other. Do you love her more than anything? Its not an easy solution. Good luck bro! I mean if she can demean you in front of her friends there is absolutely no issue putting her in her place in front of them as well. This story isnt funny but that first line killed me. I was going to say something identical. The world is bad enough with mean enough people, you dont need your team mate trash talking you too. Why was this in turn a secret kept from you? If she does in fact really care about you - she will wait. At the very least, you need couple's counseling because it seems she has two very different worlds built up in her head when she talks with you versus her friends. Also arrange some couple counseling and talk it all through. Viktor Frankl BigbigbigBIIIIG yikes. This is probably something couples therapy can help you navigate. Author Hazel McBride claimed that she's so "average-looking" that she feels uneasy around her more handsome husband in a now-viral TikTok. I agree, marriage counseling ASAP. She chose to prioritize platonic bonds over her marriage and honestly just participated in casual homophobia at the expense of her husband. Sounds like shes really sorry. You might want to discuss that during counselling, or maybe with a therapist. She really messed this up, she's immature and worried about offending the wrong people. Your wife shouldnt have outed you to her friends. I reckon that weve all said things we wouldnt want our SO to hear at some point. So will she keep acting to her friends like she has a problem with it? If so, I think you should try. Talk it out and see if she can commit to working on this need to put on appearances. How do you hang out with that friend group now knowing all their extra bullshit? If my friends talked about my SO like that I would be livid and we wouldnt be friends anymore. Just talk. Personally, I would consider this along the same lines of cheating in my relationship, because it's a complete breach of trust and security you're supposed to have with your partner. Who cares. If you can't trust someone with your sexuality - you aren't going to trust them with anything else that matters to you, there will always be something keeping you from sharing your full self with them. I used to drink to black out, and not one time did I let slip the secrets I held for my friends and family. She outed you. I am floored you are the only person who has pointed this out. Maybe you could come around trusting her, but i wouldn't trust her friends. Ask her about it, give her the space to openly address it and dually try and understand why she feels that way as well as highlighting why you two are together. You are not overreacting. Must feel betrayed and really hurt. Unfortunately as long as there are homophobic people out there, there is potential to damage his reputation. This was not stupid. Right I mean she volunteered stuff when she could have kept her mouth shut. Good luck and I do feel for you. I am pretty much an open book with my partners. I thanked him. Hubby is under the bus & she's driving over him again & again unnecessarily! You have an issue, address it. Honestly man if I found out my partner thinks so little of me because of my sexuality, especially after what you guys do in the bedroom, I would honestly hand her divorce papers and let her know that she can enjoy her friends company more since she's not with the bi guy anymore and she can go be with Tom like she wanted. Also, she may have "let it slip" 2 years ago, but obviously they've all talked about it since. Wow dude. You heard the truth when she was talking to her friends, about your private life, without your knowledge. I wouldn't be able to think of anything else when having sex with her after hearing her criticize me. The sheer betrayal of trust is breathtakingly awful. People knowing that hes bi will damage his reputation? I told her she needed to answer everything I ask her honestly and she promised she would. She violated your trust in one of the worst possible ways and there really isn't any way to walk it back, The thing that sucks the most is that now that there was a blowupthose judgmental friends who she told about your sexualitywill be running their mouths to all their other friends and coworkers and more and more people will be told something you never wanted shared. This is what I found out: She let my sexuality slip two years ago at a bachelorette party to her friends when she was completely shit faced and didnt remember till one of the girls made a joke about it and she freaked out and made them swear to never tell anyone she told them cause she knew how upset Id be. And sometimes we have to forgive stupid people because we love them anyway. People are weak sometimes. They were talking about ex-boyfriends and how another mutual friend of them cheated on her husband with an ex-boyfriend because he was better in bed. Is she going to put them as well and claim she didnt mean it and that she was just drunk or gossiping? Clearly and simply. Slipping up and sharing something very private about your husband is betrayal enough. Couple of things: I have a very close group of girlfriends. As long as they're not being super stupid, 100% in public and then you tell them off in private. Do you believe what she told you? I hope you are able to get marriage counseling and find a way through this wether it ends with you together or not. Repeat offenders shouldnt get second chances and neither should first time ones. Hope everything works out with you guys. Wouldnt your wifes friend be able to identify you anyway from the story? Fuck her. We may discuss, ask for suggestions, etc., but we don't laugh about one of us outing someone (not that we'd care) and trashing their sex life. I think you did the right thing by leaving that night, although blowing up the party that was might not have been the best idea. Good luck and I do feel for you. This is divorce worthy. Telephone number: 0203222111, 0719012111 Outing you accidentally is one thing, but there are a load of major no-nos here. Im gonna get downvoted for this but I think you should hear it anyway OP. 2) Your wife flat out lied about her grin and bear it attitude about your sex life regarding the "bi stuff" when she often initiates it. Shes the one the initiates that kind of sex (pegging, butt play, d/s stuff.none of which is exclusive to bi men btw) most the time! The other men were cowering in my path - perhaps it was the still throbbing splitting seams. From what Ive been told by friends and family my wife and Tom had a hot and cold volatile relationship and he was not the best to her (cheating, controlling). About number 2, she's lying and trying to back pedal. The real question on my mind is why is she friends with people who belittle you for your sexuality? Thats something she and you will have to work on because she shouldnt be embarrassed of it, but at the same time I kind of understand how she can buckle under the pressure of her friends opinions. Continuing to discuss, lie and joke about the issue for years is where the problem is. People are often unreasonable and self-centered. First of all, you're right to cool down before making decision on anything. Yeah, I have a hunch that her apology is going to include counseling and new friends. Her voice was strained and raspy. I'll be dammed if a single one of my friends said anything like that about my man. Therapy is what you need. Your sexuality isn't really fodder to take the piss out of. Especially with the "gay" things they do. She said that was why she made the comment about thinking about Tom during some things we do sexually because she felt they were judging her for being with me. You deserve that. I learned that it is usually a sign of people not sharing everything, not saying that is your situation, but she violated your trust and didnt even give you the courtesy of giving you the heads up. She has taken away your ability to feel safe being vulnerable and honest with her. A couple of laffs? Couples counseling may help rebuild trust. Exposing your sexuality and your sex life to her friends is a massive betrayal, but it has been covered by other quality comments. She shouldn't be hiding things from you or telling people your personal stuff. If she did "accidentally" let it slip that you're bi, why did she continue talking with them about your sexuality in any context? She is reacting the right way to this, in that she's clearly upset and remoresful for her actions. Forgive them anyway. She may actually not understand your bisexuality because its been something she said shes fine with but never actually confronted. That's the truth. Don't make any decisions until you have calmed down. When my husband and I had been together for maybe a year, I went to my mom exactly once for advice. Seriously I have a whole lot of respect for you for how you reacted. That's only for me and my wife to know. Go out and do things during those days, don't wallow. She's probably embarrassed by that, and won't admit it to her friends fearing judgement. She didn't have your back and she put friendship with assholes over her partner in life. Sounds like there needs to be an understanding formed between you guys and what is appropriate conversation with friends. Best of luck. Fuck how you want to fuck. This is now twice that she has blabbed something intensely personal while intoxicatedthat you know about. Also? Even if it is a stay vacation somewhere near your home. Good luck! At the end of the day hets are gonna het, I'm really sorry man. As far as your confidence goes, why has that taken a hit? Going forward, she needs to seriously consider what she says to her "friends" if she cannot say them infront of you openly. I think that you need a good week to try and think about how you feel, how you're going to be able to contain the gossip and how you move forward with the wife . Good luck. Agreed! We have good jobs that the pandemic didnt effect too much. But at least this one has some panache. Never stay with someone because of the kids and don't ban alcohol from your spouse this is terrible advice. I (45M) have been married to my wife (45F) for 20 years. As an aside, in tandem I would "shore up" the masculine vibe (I'm reluctant to say it, but if shes confronted with sommething she may traditionally view as feminine then it will prove a great juxtaposition if you are more "direct and masculine" while shes going through this priocess). It's tough but I would stay just for the kids. Honestly, I don't know if I'd be able to get past never being able to trust her with personal stuff again. What she did was so horrible. Being a bi women in a straight committed relationship, I can connect with you in some sense because I do hear "you can't be bi, you're married to a man" or I had previous partners that were horribly insecure about my sexuality. i love him but he doesn't excite me the way Tom did. It's so important when you have a union of two souls to do everything you can to make sure that your love stays connected and flourishes. Idc who they are. She also needs to put her friends in their place or look for better friends. And be prepared to put the fear of God, who loves bi and gay and straight people, and in Whose name marriage vows are made, into this Tom-person. Honestly the only advice I have is to don't give an inch on the fact that you were the one outted and ridiculed, not her. At the end of the day, it is you who'll decide what makes you happy not them! You can't unhear it and if you don't bring it up, your resentment will grow and your self-esteem. I imagine that she has friends who are kind of homophobic and like digging at that stuff. But then she says.the only hurdle I had to get past with (me) was.well, you guys know.they all were kinda like mhmm as if to affirm they knew what she was talking about. I don't know why you'd even give it a B-. I'm a bisexual woman, and if my husband told his friends that he thinks of other women when we do more than vanilla sex, I'd tell him to go find less. ( like nothing wrong with it but the fact ur so scretive about it speaks volumes, SHAME is an individual thing. Yup. I would never be able to fully be myself around my wife again after such an event, and to me that means there's just no way we can work anymore. Oh buddy, I'm sorry you've had this happen to you. People are too quick to run away from a marriage and give up when issues come up. I'm sorry. Wife: Oh, nothing just a funny story from (friends name) work. But I don't know that it's unforgivable. she also choose to make fun of you to her friends instead of standing up for you. Even individual counseling as well, to help you understand your own feelings and what you want to do in this relationship. It sounds like her friends are shit. Best of luck. Thank you for giving me my laugh for the day haha. I honestly don't know if your marriage can survive this. Kids do the joking crap and make fun of boyfriends, not decent women. Juatt know that that is okay and it can take as long as it takes. Throwaway cause I know one of her friends is an avid reddit user and knows my main account. Let that sink in. My suggestion? Who cares if she feels pressured by her friends to make fun of your sexuality or thinking about Tom, she either has shitty friends or she needs to take accountability for her actions and learn to grow up. We have a dog and some goldfish. Before my wife was with me she dated a man named Tom. Normally I'd say you have to share it but I'm not sure what that looks like. My step-dad said, "I feel like I always have to watch what I have to say, and I shouldn't have to worry about . Doesn't really sound wonderful to me if she can out private details like that so easily. Nothing really, it's all been said, nothing can change it. Partners that demand that have no respect for you. My bf and I have been together not long 3 years but hes 33, I 27, and whenever there is even a shred of something that bugs either one of us we tell each other. IMHO divorce would definitely be on the table. I couldnt believe it. I know that your * secret life * is very personal to you, but not many people will be concerned or even bothered about your sexuality. If you need more time to yourself, take it. Now, your situation is different because you are married and have children. Couples counselling may help as well. I'm wondering if your lack of fighting in your communication may be related to her not being open and honest with you as you are with her. I probably wouldnt have. I have no idea how you will be able to have sex with her. "My. At the very least there's some trust work that will need to be done to rebuild some things. Does it not show a serious weakness in character that she bull shitted like that? Listen, Ive been a shit-faced alcoholic in my early 20s. If youre ever going to get past this, you should both be in therapy. That means she's been laughing about their sex life for a couple years, after outing him and then hiding it from him. She said two of her friends are judgmental and believe youre either gay or straight and since I enjoy men (only sexually, not romantically) I must be gay. She said she really felt bad when she realized she outed you, but I mean how sorry is she really if here she is bringing it up AGAIN? Id almost go with divorce but with the kids, I sincerely hope counseling is able to help. She told them deeply personal stuff about your sex life. Her exact words "I feel like i settled for him. Though she made some comments around it to her female friends, I would not take those seriously (imagining other men etc). She needs to understand that at least. The thing that's most revolting is that she'd hang you out to dry just to agree with her mates. I told this to my then partner with all the trust in the world. She needs to do something to show how sorry she is. Imagine it was a really graphic conversation, about all her body parts or how she is bad at oral sex, and it included discussions of your ex-girlfiend for comparison. Dont let your wifes shitty behavior ruin your confidence and self worth. I even heard her shoosh the friend who said it and peek inside the kitchen but I hid behind the counter and kept listening. Your sexual relationship is basically the basis of trust in your relationship as a whole. By bringing it up then and making your feelings the most important feelings in the room, you are being childish. I don't have anything else to say about it besides the fact that we're both happy with our sex life.". You can always tell when they offer up explanations to any potential objections before they're asked. My conjecture is that she did so because of the above reasons basically to seem cool. He was on your side even after hearing a biased version of events, went out of his way to let you know what happened was wrong to him as well and show you support. Whats the point in being in relationship, in a marriage if you can't have ALL of trust, loyalty, and respect. It's tough because that level of betrayal is seriously enraging, but, do you throw away a good thing? I heard their conversation. I agree with the counseling. Fourthly, buy that man a beer. So my wife and one of her girlfriends were having a few glasses of wine, and while I was in my office I overheard a very awkward part of their conversation The other woman was complaining about her husband, quite openly, and specifically about the size of his penis. Being shitty is easy, being a good person is too Clearly choices have been made. Between stimulus and response, there is a space. You are NOT overreacting. This is tough, because you're obviously going through it and I'm sorry you are hurt, very truly. Whoa. Bisexuality is valid. There's a wide gulf between those that think that's okay and the rest of us. Women get cold feet around marriage, but she decided to be with you. When the bi thing slipped, she should have told you. Youre not overreacting. You took that better than I would have. I have also been outed in a similar way. Your sex life sounds amazing. It's not their sex life that she discussed, it's HIS sexuality, something he stated he largely kept private. Get used to me being stupid". Those homophobes won't care that he's married to a woman. I doubt your own friends would even care, they might tease you a little but thats what friends do. I would 100% be considering divorce over this, if in OPs shoes. Me: girls, get your better halves and get the fuck out of my house They all pop right up and walk past me. Also sound out the wives who weren't judgemental and ask their opinions. Not the act itself. Drunk or not, does not excuse their unwarranted behaviour. There were many times where we wanted to throw in the towel. I told her I cant believe shed ever say something like that or not tell me how she felt.she continued to swear she was just being stupid and didnt mean or feel anything she said. She not only outed him, but this obviously wasn't the first time they've discussed this. You need to learn how to deal with being outed and your stupid wife needs to understand the true ramifications for you. Yea, some people are just too worried what their peers think and arent (strong/brave) enough to go against the group. You poor man, I so want to give you a hug. Can you explain this because its giving homophobia, It could damage his reputation. Oh come.A- at least. Go for a hike, go to a movie, whatever. But she also initiates in the bedroom a lot, which means at least the main idea of her bullshit is false. Be happy anyway. There are many things that could be said or done that are definite "break up" situations, but this is not one of them. There is nothing wrong with you. Relationship therapy, lots of work, regaining trust. She said 'girls talk' and she has to have someone to talk to about stuff. No real worries there. She should have known to do that herself beforehand. This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. Its so stupid, Im sure shes great in all other aspects but she needs to stand up for you. Your wife needs some new friends. At 31 years old! She just let it slip. I am not open about my sexuality. Most of it was on alt accounts he made. She sounded way too comfortable with what she was saying (based on OP's description. Don't go silent on her. But what usually happens when one partner doesnt respect the other is that it festers. Any words of wisdom for the talk tomorrow? Im so lost. This reeks of blatant disrespect, stupidity, ignorance, and bullshit. But, she finally conceded maybe he was genuine. Im in a similar, but much weirder, relationship (Im actually gay and married to a straight woman, we have an open marriage for our sex life, and a great family home life). This issue has been going on and at each turn, she chose not to be honest with you. Your wife hates that you're bi. She was pretty happy discussing extremely intimate shit off the cuff in a group. Get your better halves and get the fuck out of my house I sniped as I tipped my fedora and winked at my wifes hottest friend who was clearly impressed by my rage erection that had partially split the seam in my relaxed fit Levi 501s. I am so sorry this has happened to you. As for your wifes friends, if they feel that strongly about your sexual preferences, then fuck em too! Now, this is fine! I could only imagine how crap you feel right now. Most people will say bi/lesbian women are "ok" because it's "hot" (I've been told that), and will see bi/gay men as an atrocity just because it's men with other men. If she truly loves you she is going to beat herself up for a while. This right here. I am a closeted bi woman. Honestly the only advice I have is to go for that beer with your friend, he seems to be the only one in the situation treating you decently. I would keep notes about what's promised and then see what she manages to do about it going forward (should you decide to stay with her).
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